Wise Man Clancy Said...

So, I’m still crushing on some guys. I spent some time with Fitch (I’ve mentioned him before, but it was a while-ish ago.) and it was really good.

My attraction to him grew quite a bit. Which is probably a bad thing, because I don’t know what he thinks of me. So the likelihood is, that I am completely kidding myself. I’m hopeful though. 

I’m trying to not be too forward or anything. I’m just trying to be myself, and hopefully show the good things about me. 

Gah.

I don’t like these feelings. It almost feels like desperation when I get a crush. I feel all flustered and unsure. I question myself a lot more. Which, I don’t think is good. I don’t like it. I don’t like how I act around people I like. 

I’m sorry, I’m being pathetic.

I will end with this. It was a good time I had with him, and I hope to have another. 

xx

I agree.

What do you want to know?

It’s my birthday on Tuesday, and I have no idea what I want. 

Like, I’m really not desiring anything at the moment. Everything feels fine. It’s simple.

I’ll be 19. Which feels strangely old. Like, 20, that doesn’t sound old, but 19, I don’t know, it just sounds really old. I don’t know how I feel about it, growing up is strange and unnecessary and frustrating.

Uni is going smoothly enough, but it’s just, uni.

Yep, I thought I’d give you guys an update but there isn’t really much to say.

I have given up on most of my crushes. Although I sparked a new one in my head, he’s going to be called Kringle. He’s cute, spoke to him like twice, maybe, and I still need to be certain he is gay, but I have a strong feeling he must be. 

Anyways, that one will probably fissle out like the rest. 

I know what I want for my birthday, but it’s something that I have to find for myself. Grr.

Although, if someone wants to spend some real money on me, they can help me buy/rent this building I found in the city that I want to turn into a theatre. It’s wonderful and just down an alleyway, and I would be all artsy in it and put on plays and make things happen. It would be quite exciting.

However, I am kidding myself if I think I could actually gather enough funds to run it, but hey, dreams have to start somewhere.

I hope everyone is enjoying their lives, and if not, I hope things get better.

xx

I have too many crushes, I think, maybe.

I have to explain a little about what’s going on in my head, because I feel the need to just talk.

Anyways.

I have been feeling the tingle of loneliness, and so I have been mentally wandering a lot more. Wandering through fields of possible and/or potential lovahs!

The biggest one is a guy I met recently, who I am going to called Fitch. I met Fitch through a friend, and I don’t know why really, but I keep seeing the future with him. It’s strange. He’s amazingly intelligent. Older. NICE! There is so much importance in being nice. In being the good guy. It’s wonderful. He is gay, so I feel more comfortable in this crush because it has more truth behind it. I keep seeing things, and imagining scenarios. But I do that with everything, so it may be nothing, but something feels interesting in this, and I keep making attempts to push it.

That’s my biggy at the moment. 

I have a crush on one guy, I’ll call him Spellman. He is always smiling, and is always well dressed. I’ve spoken to him before because he’s in some of my classes, he’s nice as well. I can’t be certain of his orientation, although I have seen some signs, but I’m standing back until something becomes clearer.

Then there’s Titan, who is just too beautiful. Jerry who I don’t know anything about, but am certain he is gay, and find his intriguing almost. 

There are more, but I can’t think of them, and I have forgotten the reason why I wanted to explain this. 

Either way, here you go. Maybe I will let you in if things develop or not. Well, if I obtain a boyfriend I think you’ll know of it! :P

xx

Uni is starting to feel more real now. I don’t feel like a person who goes to uni and learns stuff, but a uni student who is becoming apart of it. In some respects.

I am making friends, gradually. Going to things and doing stuff. 

It feels good. It feels better. It makes me feel better about being there. I’ve felt quite empty lately, and quite the failure, so it’s nice to be able to have discussions with strangers about nothing.

I need to take more steps forward. I feel a desire to make something.

I probably need to stop rambling about nothing on tumblr. :P

It’s just nice. 

I think I am crushing on someone. But I can’t quite tell. I don’t really get crushes. I just kind of feel something, and glue a feeling to that. But there is something odd going on at the moment.

They’re just nice. Which is pretty much all I want. Someone nice. Nice, decent and gay. And smart! Intelligence is important. I realised that a little while ago. 

I am attracted to intelligence. 

I don’t know though, I don’t like to kid myself. Ever. I like to stay serious and realistic about issues of the heart. 

I don’t want to get hurt by someone.

I want to say I’m careful about these things, but really I just don’t know what I am doing. Everything is a fluke. 

I have never been in love. So I don’t know anything. I am a wandering fool with a fake degree. 

I’ll keep you posted on any developments. Which, as I see at this point, aren’t going to be much. But I will keep you posted on anything else that happens. Hopefully soon I will be able to stop saying I have never been in love. 

One day I will be a little bit fuller.

xx